Stories That Will Make You Laugh, Cry, Or Go oO
by Luna Nightraven
Summary: My first fic, a group of stories, products of insanity + boredom. *pets pretty Darkhound* R&R, you know the drill.
1. Author's Note

This is just a disclaimer/warning/author's note-type thing. If you don't want to read it, you can skip to chapter 1, A Terrifying Secret. But you could be nice and read this! *pouts*  
  
I know I should have written something like this a long time ago. Oh well, I just didn't get around to it until now. :P  
  
Disclaimer: Wheel of Time = not mine. Wheel of Time + boredom + insanity = this collection of FANfic stories. Is that good enough?  
  
And a warning for you:  
  
Warning: These stories have spoilers galore. If you haven't read the first nine WoT books, reader discretion is adviced. So if you don't want to know what happens in the books, wait to read these. If you don't care about the spoilers, have at it.  
  
Umm... Let me explain why I call this story "Stories That Will Make You Laugh, Cry, or Go o.O". They can make you laugh, since it's a humor story. They can make you cry, since I might kill one of your favorite characters in one of the massacres. Or they might make you go o.O, considering the fact that there are some, er, odd things in here.  
  
After reading all this, either go and read my collection of stories or find something that doesn't have spoilers. Heh, like you'll find anything lacking spoilers. But, hey, it's your choice. But if you read, remember the magic word: REVIEW!!! Did I mention that I have a Darkhound and Semirhage here? 


	2. A Terrifying Secret

Greetings! My mission is to show to you what would happen if everyone had taken complete leave of their senses like Lews Therin.   
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What are you waiting for? Why aren't you reading my story?  
  
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You're waiting for something? Like what? Oh, all right! Here's the bloody thing!  
  
Disclaimer: Every character here is the creation of Robert Jordan, the insanely brilliant author of the Wheel of Time. I am only using them for my own sick amusement. The only creations that belong to me in this story are the pink bunny slippers and robe and the Dragon stuffed animal. And the plot of course belongs to me, whatever plot exists in this freak of nature. Umm.... yeah. Happy reading!  
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Chapter 1 - A Terrifying Secret  
written by She Who Walks the Night (formerly Snow Fox)  
  
*~*~*~*  
  
The idiotic wool-headed lecher... um, sorry..... I mean, the Dragon Reborn, the hope of the world,--  
  
***  
  
A/N: The Light have mercy.  
  
***  
  
--is lounging around the Sun Palace, trying to decide which of the Forsaken he wanted to kill next.  
An extremely insane, annoying voice in Rand's head asks for the 983,530,128,867,698th time, "Can we die yet?"   
  
***  
  
A/N: Isn't he smart? I think he's smarter than the pig-kissing, wool-headed, um.... oops.... I mean, Rand. .'.  
  
***  
  
And for the 983,530,128,867,698th time, Rand answers, "No, Lews Therin, we CANNOT die yet!"  
  
Lews Therin persists, "Please?"  
  
"NO!"  
  
"Please! I want to be with my Ilyena. NO, IIIIIIIIIIIIIILLLLLLLLLYYYYYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEENNNNNNNNNAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
Rand is temporarily seized by Lews Therin's piteous insanity.  
  
***  
  
A/N: And that doesn't mean that Rand isn't harboring some sort of insanity already.  
  
***  
  
"EEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYNNNNNNEEEEEE!!!! MMMMMMIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNN!!!!!! AAAAAAAVVVVVVIIIIIIIIEEEEEENNNNNNNDDDDDDDDHHHHHHHAAAAA!!!!" He quits screaming, then starts muttering, "I'm a lecher! I have too many girlfriends! A Queen Aes Sedai who is a complete fluff-brain, a Maiden of the Spear-Wise One who is too violent, and a horse-loving knife woman who is a crossdresser! What have I gotten myself into??!! NNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
The woolhead--  
  
***  
  
A/N: No, I am not going to apologize for that! He is a woolhead! And don't look at me like that!  
  
***  
  
--starts to weep uncontrollably. "I'm getting myself out of this now," Rand declares. He seizes saidin and weaves a gateway to Shayol Ghul. "Hey, Shai'tan!  
  
***  
  
A/N: *looks around nervously* I really didn't want to say or write Heartfang's name, but it's the best way to get the Dark One's attention, though I'm not sure that's a good thing. o.o'  
  
***  
  
"Kill me!" the woolhead screams out.  
  
The Dark One looks up from a stones game he is playing with Moridin. "Ah, Lews, you're here! Ishy, excuse me for a moment." The Shepherd of the Night rises from his floating purple beanbag chair and approaches Rand. "What can I do for you, Lews? Are you ready to join me finally?"  
  
"No, I'm not ready to join, and I am not Lews! I'm Rand al'Thor! Now, kill me, please!" Rand yells.  
  
"No!" screams the Dark One, shocked. "You're going to be my pet!"  
  
"Whaaaa?!" Rand whines, completely confused.  
  
"No, really, it's prophecy!" the Old Grim claims.  
  
"Prove it!" Rand challenges.  
  
"Mesaana, bring me the Prophecies of the Dragon!" the Dark One commands.  
  
A gateway appears out of nowhere, and Mesaana steps out, carrying a huge book with flows of Air. And I mean this book is HUGE. It's at least two feet thick. Try carrying that to school. MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! *coughs* I'm sorry.  
  
The Lord of the Grave takes it from his Chosen. "Thank you, Mesaana. You may go now, but come back later. I just rented Austin Powers in Goldmember, and I know you want to see it."  
  
***  
  
A/N: I haven't seen it, either, though I don't really want to see it.  
  
***  
  
"Ooooh!" Mesaana squeels. "I'll be back later, Great Lord, don't worry!"  
  
"Hey, Mesaana, come here for a moment," Moridin calls to the lady Forsaken.  
  
"What?" Mesaana says, walking to where the reincarnated Betrayer of Hope is sitting in his levitating yellow beanbag chair.  
  
Moridin leans close to whisper so that the Dragon Reborn won't hear. "al'Thor is here, so let's go torture one of his girlfriends. Say, the one that looks like Ilyena?"  
  
Mesaana nods. "Okay, but let's get Semirhage. She's the best when it comes to torture."  
  
Moridin agrees, so Mesaana weaves a gateway. The two Chosen leave to find the Mistress of Pain and Torture.  
  
***  
  
A/N: I think "Mistress of Pain and Torture" sounds like a good title for Semirhage, don't you?  
  
***  
  
"Oooooookay," the Dark One says. "Oh, yes! You were wanting proof that you are supposed to be my pet?"  
  
"Yeah," Rand says, nervously eyeing the extremely thick book the Dark One is holding in one hand.  
  
"Let's see," the Dark One mumbles, flipping through the book. "Callandor, conquering, Dragonmount, Far Dareis Mai..." This goes on for one hour, twelve minutes, and four seconds. "Ah-ha! Here it is!" Leafblighter announces triumphantly. He pushes the book under Rand's nose. "Here, page 12,764,243! Read it!"  
  
The all-pathetic woolhead has fallen asleep on his feet, and he falls over when the Dark One speaks again. "Huh, what? Oh, right." Rand takes the book, and reads with much difficulty. "Th-th-the D-Da-Dark W-W-One maaa-maks-makes the D-D-D-Dra-Drag-Dragon Re-Re-Reb-Reborn h-his p-p-p-pet." He blinks, forgetting what he had read because it took him forty-two minutes and twenty three seconds to read one sentence. He starts over. "Th-the D--"  
  
"For the love of the Shadow!" the Dark One roars. "It says 'The Dark One makes the Dragon Reborn his pet', you woolhead!"  
  
Rand nods. "It's one of my official titles. Rand al'Thor, the Dragon Reborn, Lord of the Morning, Prince of the Dawn, All-Pathetic Woolhead...... um, what were we talking about again?"  
  
The Dark One screams in frustration. "You're going to be my pet, you idiotic, snot-nosed, pig-spawned, witless, flea-ridden, worthless vermin!"  
  
"Wow," is all Rand can say.  
  
"So, you're going to be my pet, right?" the Dark One asks.  
  
"I guess. I don't have any choice, since it's in the Prophecies," Rand answers.  
  
"Yippee!" the Dark One whoops. He picks up Rand in a bear hug and starts squeezing him. "I'm gonna love you and hug you and squeeze you and take care of you forever and ever and...." He goes silent when he notices that Rand has stopped breathing. "Oh, burn you!" Frustrated, he tosses Rand's body into the Pit of Doom.  
  
Rand wakes up in the middle of the fall because of Lews Therin's screaming.  
  
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Lews Therin shrieks. "Maybe I don't want to die after all!"  
  
"Too late," Rand says. He splats into the fiery lake of boiling lava. He is crispy within 3 nanoseconds, ashes within 5 nanoseconds, and completely incinerated in 8 nanoseconds. In short, he is as dead as a doornail.  
  
The Dark One is bored, as all evil people get bored after they do something that will completely ruin everything for someone. "I'm bored!" he whines. He gets an idea. "Aran'gar, come here!" he calls out.  
  
A gateway appears out of nowhere, and Aran'gar steps out. "I hope this is important. I was in the middle of picking out some new mascara with Cyndane," he/she/it gripes.  
  
The Great Lord of the Dark arches an eyebrow.  
  
"Great Lord," Aran'gar adds, very belatedly.  
  
"That's better. Now then, all I can say is that you're pretty and I'm bored," Dark One explains, a perverted grin spreading over his face.  
  
"Oh, no," Aran'gar says, comprehension crossing his/her/its face, his/her/its emerald eyes going wide.  
  
"Yes!" the Dark One yells at the Chosen.  
  
"No!" Aran'gar screams back at the Dark Lord.  
  
"Yes!"  
  
"No!"  
  
"Yes!"  
  
"No!"  
  
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***  
  
A/N: They'll be arguing for a while. You may just want to use the "Page Down" button.  
  
***  
  
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"SHUT UP!!!" someone yells.  
  
The Dark One and Aran'gar turn to find the Creator standing there in a pink-bunny embroidered robe. He stamps one pink-bunny slipper covered foot. "You already killed my Dragon!" he screams at his nemesis and the lady Forsaken. "Now shut up and let me sleep in peace! For the love of the Light!" He stomps away, hugging his Dragon stuffed animal.  
  
"That was strange," Aran'gar comments.  
  
"Stupid crabby old coot!" the Dark One grumbles. "Who does he think he is, the Creator?"  
  
"He is the Creator," Aran'gar informs his/her/its master.  
  
The Dark One blinks. "I knew that," he says.  
  
"Riiiiiiight," Aran'gar says, rolling his/her/its eyes.  
  
"I did!" the Dark One repeats loudly, furious that he is not believed.  
  
"I believe you......." Aran'gar says, sarcastically.  
  
"Grrrr," the Dark One growls. "I hate you!"  
  
"You hate me?!" Aran'gar repeats shrilly, outraged. "I should hate you! You let me get killed, then you decide to reincarnate me, but you put me in a woman's body!??? You are so flaming stupid!"  
  
The Dark One blinks again. "Is that what I did? Osan'gar does seem a bit strange. I knew I should have gotten my glasses before putting you two in those bodies."  
  
Aran'gar rolls his/her/its eyes. "I hate you."  
  
"I hate you, too," the Dark One answers, glaring at her.  
  
"Good. Can I go now?" Aran'gar asks irritably.  
  
"No." The Dark One picks up Aran'gar and tosses him/her/it over his shoulder.  
  
Aran'gar screams, trying to kick, punch, and bite him.  
  
The Dark One tosses him/her/it into the Pit of Doom, watching while he/she/it screams and burns in the fiery lake. He giggles.  
  
***  
  
A/N: Scratch that. I don't think Soulblinder giggles, even though it would be quite humourous.  
  
***  
  
He laughs evilly. "That was fun!" he giggles. "Now where's Osan'gar? He's the other thing I need to dispose of...."  
  
He thinks for a moment. "Oh, whoops, that's right, one of my Black Ajah destroyed him already. Never mind..."  
_________________________________________________________________________________________________  
  
Guess what! I am not going to tell you anymore. MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! I am evil! The next one should be interesting..... Yes, there is a next one! Read and review, or I won't let you see it! Tell me what you think of this one. Is it good, bad, brilliant, crappy, insane, what? If you want to flame, please do. I need a good laugh once in a while. But if you must cuss me, at least do it WoT style. I do love creativity in people. You like creativity, yes? R/R!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 


	3. The Consequences of Angering a Spear Mai...

Greetings! I have returned. I do have another story for you! I do love reading your reviews. They be quite funny, especially the flames. I do love flames; however, I do love reviews even more. Remember, do R/R!!! Thanks to SteelBlade! My first flame! I do feel loved! Though for any future flamers, please do be a little more detailed. I do like to know what people do dislike about my stories. And thanks to everyone else who reviewed my story! White-wolf and Nynaeve Sedai, I really do like your stories. And I will try to kill Rand more often, since so many people do like him dying. He do be a woolhead.  
  
And this do be for the picky people who be thinking of sueing me:  
  
Disclaimer: Robert Jordan does own the characters in this story. And I did borrow the "Lewser" name for the Dragon from Wildkat. I do no own anything, no even myself. Really! I do be a damane in Seanchan. I do be property. Oh, woe do be me! Okay, this do be enough about me. On with the story!  
  
Oh, and by the way, what do you think of my Illianer accent? I don't even know why I used an Illianer accent. I find Illianers annoying. Anyhoodles.....  
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Chapter 2 - The Consequences of Angering a Spear Maiden  
written by She Who Walks the Night (formerly Snow Fox)  
  
*~*~*~*  
  
Elayne studies Egwene like she had just dropped out of the sky and turned into a pink-spotted kangaroo. "No, really, Egwene, why did you dump Rand? He is, like, such a hottie!"  
  
Egwene sighs. "You don't believe my story about it being the right thing to do, that I did it because you're my friend, so I'll tell you this: I did it because I love Gawyn."  
  
Elayne's mouth drops open. "My brother Gawyn?!" she squeaks.  
  
Egwene nods. "Yep."  
  
"NNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!" the scream rips from Elayne's mouth. "My poor brother! NOOOOO!!!!!" She then trails off into incoherent wails.  
  
"Gee, that's nice," Egwene mutters. "I thought we were supposed to be friends." She frowns at Elayne. "You know, you sound like Lews Therin."  
  
Elayne blinks. "You mean Lewser? The dude that Rand claims lives in his head and acts crazy and screams about his dead wife a lot?"  
  
"How dare you say my first-sister is like Lews Therin Telamon!" Aviendha screeches. She leaps for Egwene's throat, brandishing a knife.  
  
"Help me, Elayne!" Egwene begs, trying to fend off the enraged Aielwoman.  
  
Elayne watches Egwene and Aviendha struggle for a moment, then embraces saidar. "Sorry, Egwene, my sister means more to me than you. Little Mistress Priss the Amyrlin, always thinking you can get your own way just because you wear the stole for our exiled group." She uses Air to pull Aviendha off of Egwene.  
  
Aviendha gives Elayne a glare that is an interesting mixture of anger and surprise. "Hey!" she yells. "What'd you do that for?"  
  
"Thank you, Elayne!" Egwene says, giving Elayne a grateful, relieved expression.  
  
"Not so fast..." Elayne throws a bar of balefire at Elayne.  
  
"Are you stupid, Elayne?! NOOOO--" Egwene is abruptly cut off as the balefire hits her. She disappears, her thread burned from the Pattern.  
  
Elayne turns to Aviendha. "Sorry, Aviendha, I didn't want to hit you with the balefire."  
  
Aviendha nods. "That's okay, Elayne."  
  
"By the way, where did you get that knife?" Elayne asks the Aiel.  
  
"This?" Aviendha twirls the knife. "Min Farshaw gave it to me."  
  
Elayne nods thoughtfully. "That's good. I think."  
  
Aviendha nods. "It is."  
  
"Okay," Elayne says cheerily. "Let's go find Min. She's somewhere on this continent."  
  
"Okay," Aviendha agrees.  
  
Talaan walks in. "Is Nynaeve here?" she inquirs, looking around the room.  
  
Aviendha shakes her head. "Nope. She ran off with Ra--the Car'a'Carn, and she's probably off making out with Aan'allein somewhere."  
  
"Okay, thanks." The Atha'an Miere woman gives Aviendha a bright smile, then leaves.  
  
"Aviendha! That wasn't very polite!" Elayne scolds her "sister."  
  
Aviendha shrugs. "Well, it is the truth."  
  
Elayne nods reluctantly. "I guess it is. You know, I need to go and find Gawyn and tell him that Elaida blasted Egwene into oblivion. That way, he won't have to marry Egwene, and he'll hate Elaida!" She smiles brightly, pleased at how her plan succeeded.  
  
"Ummm...... Elayne?" Aviendha says.  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"Since you killed Egwene, your group of Aes Sedai doesn't have an Amyrlin anymore," Aviendha informs her.  
  
"Whoopsies!" Elayne said, rather blondly.  
  
***  
  
A/N: Is blondly even a word? *runs to look it up in the dictionary* Blondness and blondish are words, but blondly isn't. So, I just made up a new word. Yay for me! "Blond" is a really weird word if you look at it for too long. Um, okay, enough about blonds and blond-related words.  
  
***  
  
Aviendha rolls her eyes. "Why did I adopt you as a first-sister? You're annoying and stupid. I like Min Farshaw better."  
  
"WHAT?!" Elayne screeches, not believing what she heard.  
  
In answer, Aviendha pulls out a spear and jabs it through Elayne's ribs.  
  
"I hate you," is the last thing Elayne says before she croaks.  
  
"DING DONG THE WITCH IS DEAD!!!!" Aviendha sings loudly. "MWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!! Now Dyelin Taravin can be Queen of Andor instead of that snitty little goat. And Siuan Sanche can be Amyrlin again! I'm good!"  
  
Aviendha dances happily for a moment, the kind of dance not involving spears or other weapons. "Hmm...." she mumbles. She pulls her spear out of Elayne's corpse, getting blood on her hands in the process. "Ewwies! Elayne blood!" she screams, wiping her hands frantically on her skirt. She then pulls out a poison-tipped knife out of her pocket and places it in the hole the spear left in Elayne.  
  
"Nynaeve was so nice to put the poison on this knife. I just wish I had remembered it before I messed up my spear," she mutters. Finally, she drops Elayne's corpse out the window and brushes off her hands. "That takes care of that," she says briskly.  
  
Min comes in. "Have you seen Elayne?" she asks.  
  
"Nope, haven't seen her all day," Aviendha answers, her face an unreadable Aiel mask. "So, tell me, Min, what's the deal with the auras and stuff?" she asks casually.  
  
"Well...." Min begins.  
  
The two woman leave the room, Min attempting to explain the fine points of her viewings.  
  
Meanwhile, back in the room, Moghedian steps out from behind a chair. "Damn it," she mutters. "I wanted to kill the al'Vere girl and the Trakand girl. Oh well, there's still Nynaeve al'Meara."  
  
A disembodied voice whispers, "Oh, Mogie, it's time for my foot massage."  
  
"Can't Cyndane do it this time?" Moghedian whines.  
  
"No, I want you to. You give the best foot massages," the voice answers.  
  
Moghedian shudders at the thought of having to rub someone's disgusting feet. "Okay, Moridin, I'll be there in just a second."  
  
"I'm waiting," Moridin's voice seems to echo through the room."  
  
Moghedian embraces saidar and weaves a gateway. She steps through it, and as it is closing, a scolding male voice is heard--Moridin's--and a whining female voice--Moghedian's--is heard answering.  
  
"But, Moridin--" Moghedian tries to say.  
  
"No buts, Mogie. I want you here on time for my foot massages! Now, go and get that one bottle of lotion, the one that smells like daisies," Moridin commands.  
  
"Yes, Moridin," Moghedian says submissively, shuddering as he caressed her cour'souvra. Incoherent grumbling floats from Moghedian as she enters the pink storage room containing all of Moridin's lotions and oils and.... well, I don't think you want to know what else is in there....  
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I like Moghedian. She's so much like me...... *blinks and becomes aware of readers* Oh, you're done with the story! Good! Now R/R, or I'll sic Aviendha on you. She's right there, and she looks bored. *points to a tall red-haired woman in the corner who is scrubbing blood off a spear* Or I'll sic Semirhage on you! (*A meow is heard.*) Shut up, Semirhage! Okay, um, R/R, 'kay? Or else...... um.... I won't post the next story! Now, R/R!!!!!  
  
Oh, and SteelBlade, I like slapstick randomness, but I read your Tarmon Gai'don fic, and it's really good. And thank you, flame again. And Amaranth Sedai, your Zelda fic is funny, considering I know next to nothing about Zelda. I decided to tell you all this here 'cause I'm too lazy to review.  
  
Thank you everybody for reviewing! 


	4. Mat and the Daughter of the Nine Moons

I have another story for you. It concerns everyone's favorite character. Guess who it is. *waits a few seconds* You don't know who it is? His name starts with an 'M'. *waits a few more seconds* Still not? His name ends with a 'T'. *waits a few more seconds* *rolls eyes* The middle letter in his name is an 'A'. *waits for a few seconds* I hope you aren't really this stupid. His name is spelled 'M-A-T'. *waits, praying the Light will shine some intelligence into someone* Mothers' milk in a cup! You really are stupid, aren't you? His name is Mat! It's Mat, you woolhead! Everyone loves Mat! Now, here's the story. Oh, and by the way, this is my idea of how he finds out, if Tylin hadn't run off, if Mat had stayed, if Teslyn hadn't been rescued, and if Tuon hadn't been kidnapped. Okay? Okay.  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own the Wheel of Time series. If I did, I would be writing FANfics?  
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Chapter 3 - Mat and the Daughter of the Nine Moons  
written by She Who Walks the Night (formerly Snow Fox)  
  
*~*~*~*  
  
Mat sits miserably in his chambers, awaiting the inevitable. And what do you know! A serving woman enters, wearing a big smile. "The Queen has stabbed the bedpost," she informs him.  
  
Mat whimpers. "Okay."  
  
The serving woman snickers, casts him an amused look, then leaves the room.  
  
Mat heaves a huge a sigh. "It's off to face the eagle again," he mutters. He shuffles down the hall to the Queen's rooms. Eyes widening, he leaps back a step. "Huh?!" he exclaims, oh so eloquently.  
  
"Hello, Mat," a short, bald girl says from her perch on the Queen's bed.  
  
"Tu.... High Lady, what are you doing here???" Mat demands, forgetting all respect except for the title.  
  
Tuon giggles. "Oh, Mat, please call me Tuon," she says, batting her brown eyes.  
  
Mat blinks. "Um, okay. Tuon."  
  
Tuon just giggles again.  
  
"Why are you here, and where is Tylin?" Mat demands, momentarily courageous.  
  
"Tylin had... other things to do," Tuon answers mysteriously. "And I wanted to be here."  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Because I can."  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Just because."  
  
"Why?"  
  
Tuon gets mad. "Because I'm the Daughter of the Nine Moons, you flaming idiot! I can do whatever I bloody well want!" she shrieks at him.  
  
"WHAT?!" Mat exclaims. He groans. "I have to marry you?!"  
  
"Huh?" Tuon says, puzzled. "How did you know what Lydia foretold?"  
  
"Who's Lydia?" Mat asks.  
  
"One of my damane," Tuon explains. "She told me my future. How did you know?"  
  
"I went into a doorframe ter'angreal, and some snake-looking things on the other side told me I have to marry the Daughter of the Nine Moons, and... WHY AM I TELLING YOU ALL THIS?!!!" Mat explains, though the last part is more of a horrified yell.  
  
Tuon looks thoughtful.  
  
***  
  
A/N: Can you imagine a short, bald girl looking thoughtful? *snickers*  
  
***  
  
"Where is this ter'angreal?" she asks.  
  
"It melted when Moiraine was fighting Lanfear," Mat replied.  
  
Tuon looks and sounds EXTREMELY suspicious. "Who is Moiraine?"  
  
"An Aes Sedai. She and Lanfear killed each other," Mat says.  
  
Tuon looks happier. "Oh, okay," she says brightly. "We can marry tomorrow, and you can help me command the Return. Do you know the Dragon Reborn, by the way?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
Tuon looks shocked and delighted. She starts talking a hundred miles a second. "Really?! Oh, goodie! Now I can take him back to Seanchan to kneel before my mother!"  
  
"Huh?" Mat looks baffled.  
  
"The Prophecies of the Dragon say that the Dragon Reborn must kneel before the Crystal Throne, or else Tarmon Gai'don will be lost," Tuon explains in the same hundred-miles-a-second voice.  
  
"Oh, Light, Rand isn't going to like this," Mat says. The mention of Rand's name causes Mat to see the swirly colors. "Bloody swirly colors," he growls.  
  
Tuon continues to chatter. "Did you know that I'm the descendant of Artur Paendrag Tanreall? Isn't that neat?"  
  
Mat actually looks interested. "Really? He was a great general, and he did brilliantly when he fought the Seanchan at Falme."  
  
Tuon's happy chatter stops as she takes what he says in. "WHAT?!!!" she explodes after a moment.  
  
Mat's eyes widen as he realizes what he said. "Oops."  
  
Her tone dangerous, Tuon asks, "What do you mean, 'he fought at Falme'?"  
  
Mat sounds flustered and stumbles over his words. "I... um... uh... I sounded the Horn of Valere, and he came back along with Birgitte Silverbow and Rogosh Eagle-eye and a bunch of other heroes to fight off your people and shove them back into the ocean. Oh, blood and bloody ashes! Why do I keep telling you this stuff??" He looks extremely unhappy with himself.  
  
Tuon gives him an awed look. "The Horn of Valere has been found, and you sounded it?" she asks in almost a whisper.  
  
Mat nods reluctantly.  
  
Tuon looks thoughtful again. "Then you're as important as the Dragon Reborn himself in the Last Battle. You'll need to kneel before my mother as well."  
  
"I have to kneel before some woman I've never even heard of before?" Mat asks, sounding like he'd rather not.  
  
"Not just a woman!" Tuon exclaims indignantly. "She's my mother, and the Empress of Seanchan, may she live forever!"  
  
Mat gives her a blank look. "I hate women," he says tonelessly. Then he runs from the room screaming.  
  
Tuon runs after him, calling out, "Mat! Matsie-poo, come back!"  
  
Mat ignores her, running to Teslyn's kennel in the damane place. "Teslyn! Kill me, please!" he begs.  
  
The once-proud Aes Sedai asks, "Who do Teslyn be? My name do be Tessi."  
  
"Just channel and kill me, please!" Mat pleads.  
  
Tessi looks shocked. "Oh, Tessi could no do that! Tessi would get in big trouble!"  
  
Mat's voice takes on a whining tone. "I have to flaming marry Tuon, the Daughter of the bloody Nine Moons! Kill me, now!"  
  
Tessi shakes her head, then says, "Tessi does hope you do treat the Daughter of the Nine Moons well."  
  
Mat sits down in the middle of the floor and cries.  
  
Tuon enters the room, smiling brightly when she finds Mat. "There you are! Why are you in here?"  
  
"I was visiting the damane," Mat says spiritlessly. "Here," he continues, handing Tuon a gold mark. "Buy Tessi a treat. She's a good damane."  
  
Tuon giggles. "You are so sweet! Now, come, you need to start learning Seanchan customs if I'm going to marry you."  
  
Mat sighs and gets up. "Okay."  
  
Tuon pats Tessi on the head, then leaves the kennel. Mat follows her, grumbling, "Sheep swallop and bloody buttered onions! What have I gotten myself into???" He trails off into incoherent mutters.  
_________________________________________________________________________________________________  
  
What do you think? I like this one best so far. Am I the only one to think that something just isn't right about the swirly colors? It makes Mat, Perrin, and Rand sound like they're on LSD. Yeah. Anyhoodles.... We're going to play Truth or Dare. I dare you to review. I don't care if it's a flame; flames are funny, and besides, it's cold in here. I need something to use to light a fire. If you review, your prize is another story. If you don't review.... umm.... what should I sic on you today? Ah, yes! In honor of the Daughter of the Nine Moons, I will sic the Seekers and the Deathwatch Guards on you! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! You read it, so review it, please! Or else the Seekers and Deathwatch Guards are going to play a game with you called 'Torture the Person Who Didn't Review'. Doesn't that sound fun? If it doesn't, review!!! 


	5. Whose Warder Is He?

Guess what! Psycho insane me is here with another story. And guess what else! I'm attempting to respond to a couple of requests for a story about Nynaeve or Nynaeve and Lan. I just hope you don't mind what I do to them. And just so you know, I didn't kill anyone in this story. I know, I know, you wanted another good massacre. Sorry, the voices in my head didn't like that idea today. Okay, I'm done rambling. Just read the story.  
  
Disclaimer: This is the last disclaimer you'll see. I'm sick of telling you that I don't own WoT because it reminds me that I don't own it. I wish I owned Mat, though.... *sighs* Oh well.  
  
Oh, and by the way, I am joined by some of my muses today: Lunara, goddess of the night, the moon, magic, and the occult arts; Serena Sedai of the Green Ajah; Moghedian, the Spider of the shadows; and Semirhage, the Mistress of Pain and Torture. They and I will be inserting our own comments about the story.  
_________________________________________________________________________________________________  
  
Chapter 4 - Whose Warder Is He?  
written by She Who Walks the Night  
  
*~*~*~*  
  
Lan and Nynaeve walk through a forest--  
  
***  
  
Serena: What forest?  
  
Luna: I don't know! It's just the universally-used forest. o.o'  
  
Serena: Oh.  
  
Luna: You should've been Brown Ajah with all the questions you ask.  
  
Serena: Hey! You were the one who created me and made me Green Ajah!  
  
Luna: :P  
  
Serena: :P:P  
  
Luna: :P:P:P:P:P  
  
Serena: :P:P:P:P:P:P:P:P:P  
  
Semmy: Enough! Or I'll torture you!  
  
Luna & Serena: Okay, we're sorry.  
  
***  
  
--toward a clearing. And, at last, they reach their destination.  
  
***  
  
Lunara: Gee, who would've thunk it?  
  
Luna: Thunk it?  
  
Lunara: *shrugs* I've been in your head too long.  
  
Luna: Okaaay, whatever...  
  
***  
  
Okay, so they're going to a clearing in the middle of some forest, and they finally get there.  
  
"Why did Egwene want us to come back to the White Tower, Lannie-poo?" Nynaeve asks.  
  
Lan sighs. "I don't know, Nyn. Just make the gateway, okay?"  
  
Nynaeve shrugs, then uses the One Power to make a gateway for Skimming. First Lan, then Nynaeve steps through the gateway onto a platform decorated with herbs and yellow flowers.  
  
***  
  
Mogie: You're giving her a platform with yellow flowers and herbs?! I want to see some Nynny-bashing!  
  
Luna: Patience, Moghedian, patience.  
  
***  
  
Suddenly, Lan sneezes.  
  
Nynaeve gives Lan a concerned look. "What's wrong?"  
  
Lan sneezes again. "I think I'm allergic to something here."  
  
Nynaeve looks irritated. "Which one?"  
  
Lan sneezes yet again. "How should I know?" He points at a random herb. "That one."  
  
"Are you sure?" Nynaeve asks.  
  
"No."  
  
This earns him another irritated look from Nynaeve. She grumbles under her breath for a moment about men, then examines the herb Lan indicated. "Oh, wow, that's forkroot," she says, surprised.  
  
"Shouldn't you do something about it?" Lan asks.  
  
Nynaeve shakes her head. "No. The only way it can harm me is if I make a tea out of it and drink it."  
  
This time, Nynaeve earns the irritated look. Lan sneezes, then says, "I mean, shouldn't you get rid of it? I'm getting tired of sneezing."  
  
Nynaeve sweatdrops.  
  
***  
  
Serena: Sweatdrops? Isn't that an anime thing?  
  
Luna: Yeah, so?  
  
Serena: No reason. It's just that this is a WHEEL OF TIME fic... *mutters under her breath* ...or a sorry excuse for one.  
  
Luna: Hey! I heard that!  
  
Serena: ^_^  
  
***  
  
Anyhoodles...  
  
Nynaeve uses threads of Fire to burn all the forkroot away. "Better?" she asks.  
  
Lan breaths in, then sneezes again. "No," he answers, rubbing his nose.  
  
Nynaeve looks extremely irritated. She uses Fire to burn away all the herbs on the platform. "How's that?"  
  
Lan sneezes in answer.  
  
Nynaeve looks outraged. "You're allergic to my flowers?!"  
  
Lan shrugs. "I don't know. I guess so."  
  
Nynaeve mutters something incoherent, but presumably profane, then uses Fire to burn all the flowers away. "There!" she exclaims. "They're gone!"  
  
Lan takes a VERY deep breath. "That's better," he informs her.  
  
Nynaeve grumbles some more.  
  
The platform finally stops moving. Lan and Nynaeve step out of another gateway onto the White Tower grounds.  
  
"Lannie-poo!" an Aes Sedai cries out, sounding delighted.  
  
"Uh-oh," Lan says, eyes widening as he recognizes Myrelle.  
  
Myrelle runs to Lan and hugs him.  
  
"Hey! Quit that! He's mine!" Nynaeve yells.  
  
"No! He's mine!" Myrelle yells in answer. She hugs Lan some more.  
  
Our dear Yellow Aes Sedai--  
  
***  
  
Mogie: *makes a gagging sound*  
  
Luna: *glares at Mogie*  
  
Mogie: Heh...  
  
***  
  
--picks up a conveniently-placed stick and hits Myrelle with it. "Mine!" she screams.  
  
Myrelle stops hugging Lan and picks up another conveniently-placed stick. She whacks Nynaeve with it. "Mine!" she shrieks back.  
  
***  
  
Mogie: Finally!  
  
Luna: *rolls eyes* Uh-huh.  
  
Mogie: Yay! Use that stick, Myrelle! Bash Nynny's head in!  
  
Luna, Serena, & Semmy: 0.0'  
  
Semmy: *under her breath* And I thought I was sadistic...  
  
***  
  
Lan clears his throat. "I wasn't aware I was property."  
  
"You aren't. You're a Warder," Nynaeve informs him. She pauses for a moment, then says, "Oh, wait, that does make you property, or close to it. My bad."  
  
For a lack of better words at the moment, Lan does a combination of -.-' and 0.0'.  
  
Myrelle nods, then hits Nynaeve again because Nynaeve is right.  
  
Nynaeve hits Myrelle because Myrelle agreed with her.  
  
Lan does the 0.0' thing again. "Okaaaay. Will you two quit hitting each other with sticks?"  
  
"No," Nynaeve answers.  
  
"We could hit you with them," Myrelle offers.  
  
"Um, no," Lan says.  
  
"Okay, then," Myrelle says.  
  
She and Nynaeve go back to hitting each other with sticks.  
  
Lan tries to be logical.  
  
***  
  
Semmy: Old Stone-face trying to be logical?! *cackles*  
  
Luna: *sighs*  
  
***  
  
"Why are you two hitting each other with sticks?" he asks.  
  
"Because I can't balefire her," Nynaeve answers.  
  
Lan does a -.-' face. "Okay. Um, Myrelle?"  
  
"Because she thinks she owns you when I do," Myrelle replies.  
  
"No! He's mine!" Nynaeve yells at her.  
  
"He's still bonded to me!"  
  
"Well, he's my husband!"  
  
Lan tries to take away the sticks, but ends up getting thumped. "Owwies!" he yelps, rubbing his head.  
  
"Ha!" Nynaeve laughs.  
  
Lan makes another attempt at getting the sticks away from the two Aes Sedai, and this time he succeeds.  
  
"Hey!" Nynaeve and Myrelle say indignantly, in unison. They glare at each other.  
  
"Why don't you try to sort this out some other way?" Lan suggests.  
  
"Hmm..." the two woman hmm.  
  
***  
  
Lunara: What?  
  
Luna: Don't tell me you've never heard of people hmming!  
  
Lunara: ...  
  
Luna: Hahaha! And you call yourself a goddess!  
  
Lunara: No, you call me a goddess.  
  
Luna: ...  
  
***  
  
Nynaeve snaps her fingers. "I know! We can let Lan decide whose Warder he wants to be!"  
  
"Yeah! Great idea!" Myrelle agrees.  
  
Lan backs away from the two women. Then he brandishes the sticks. "Stay back! I have sticks, and I'm not afraid to use them!" he warns.  
  
Nynaeve snorts, then knocks the sticks from his hands with a flow of Air.  
  
"Eep," Lan eeps.  
  
***  
  
Lunara: Is that another one of your odd things? People eeping?  
  
Luna: *nods*  
  
Lunara: Okay, just checking.  
  
***  
  
Nynaeve and Myrelle walk toward him, predatory gleams in their eyes.  
  
"Well, Lannie-poo?" Nynaeve says.  
  
"Yes, my Lan-Lan?" Myrelle says.  
  
"Umm...." Lan umms, trying to stall.  
  
***  
  
Lunara: Is that--  
  
Luna: Yes!  
  
Lunara: Okay.  
  
***  
  
Suddenly, a cool female voice says, "He's mine."  
  
"WHAT?!" Nynaeve exclaims.  
  
"Who said that?" Myrelle demands.  
  
The voice speaks again. "I did."  
  
The owner of the voice, a short Cairhienin woman with a blue stone dangling on her forehead, steps out of the shadows. "I've been listening to your little, ah... discussion. Very amusing."  
  
"No! You're supposed to be dead!" Nynaeve screams in disbelief.  
  
"It can't be!" Myrelle gasps.  
  
"Oh, it is I," the Cairhienin woman says.  
  
"Moiraine!" Lan sounds jubilant. He hides behind the short woman. "Save me!" he begs.  
  
Moiraine smiles. "It's good to see you again, Lan."  
  
"And it's good to see you again, too, Moiraine," Lan answers.  
  
"Let's go, Lan," Moiraine says.  
  
"Okay!" Lan sounds relieved.  
  
"Not so fast!" Nynaeve cries.  
  
Moiraine weaves a gateway.  
  
"Bye, Nyn! Bye, Relley!" Lan calls to them.  
  
***  
  
Mogie: Relley?  
  
Luna: *shrugs* It's a nickname for Myrelle that got in here somehow.  
  
Mogie: Ooohhhh.  
  
***  
  
Lan leaps through the gateway.  
  
Moiraine stands for a moment to gloat. "I win, Nynaeve.  
  
"No!" Nynaeve stamps her foot like a spoiled child. "This isn't fair!"  
  
"The Wheel weaves as the Wheel wills," Moiraine informs her. "Goodbye, child."  
  
Nynaeve screams angrily and pulls on her braid.  
  
Moiraine gives a little wave, then steps through the gateway. It closes behind her.  
  
A random gateway appears.  
  
"Hi, I'm Cyndane. Is Lews Therin here? I'm going to kill him," the short woman who steps out says brightly.  
  
Nynaeve shakes her head. "Nope, he's not here. The last time I saw him, he was using me to conduct an ocean of saidar so that he could cleanse saidin. No, wait, that was Rand." She shrugs. "Oh, same difference."  
  
***  
  
Lunara: Same difference? That doesn't make sense...  
  
Luna: Yeah it does!  
  
Lunara: Then what does it mean?  
  
Luna: It means... um...  
  
Lunara: Well?  
  
Luna: I don't know.  
  
Lunara: Ha!  
  
Luna: -.-'  
  
***  
  
"Okay, bye!" Cyndane leaves through her gateway again.  
  
"Who was that?" Myrelle asks.  
  
Nynaeve shrugs. "I don't know. Another girlfriend of Rand's, I guess."  
  
"Okay. I think," Myrelle says, a bit puzzled.  
  
***  
  
Semmy: *cough*Randsamanslut*cough*  
  
Luna: *snickers*  
  
***  
  
"Stupid Lan," Nynaeve grumbles.  
  
Myrelle nods.  
  
Nynaeve has an idea. "Want to help me track down Moiraine and kill her?" she asks Myrelle.  
  
"Okay," Myrelle agrees.  
  
Another gateway appears and Semirhage steps out.  
  
***  
  
Semmy: Hey! Cool! I'm in this fic!  
  
Luna: *nods* Yep.  
  
Semmy: Neat-o!  
  
Mogie: *pouts* I'm not in the fic.  
  
Luna: That's because you stick to the shadows. Shadow people aren't put in fanfics.  
  
Mogie: Oh.  
  
Luna & Semmy: *nod*  
  
***  
  
"Hi!" Semirhage says cheerfully. "Is Cyndane here? She ran away again, so I get to torture her!" She looks extremely pleased.  
  
Myrelle, for lack of better words, goes o.o'.  
  
"Semmy!" Nynaeve exclaims. She hugs the Forsaken.  
  
"Nyn!" Semirhage squeals. She hugs the Aes Sedai back.  
  
This time, Myrelle goes 0.0'.  
  
"So, what's up, Nyn?" Semirhage asks.  
  
"Myrelle and I are hunting down Moiraine so that we can kill her," Nynaeve tells her.  
  
"Do you plan on torturing her?" Semirhage asks.  
  
Nynaeve thinks for a moment, then says, "Sure, why not?"  
  
"Ooh! I wanna help!" Semirhage squeals excitedly.  
  
Myrelle gulps. "Um, Nynaeve, isn't she a Forsaken?"  
  
"Yeah, so?" Nynaeve says. "She's going to help us kill Moiraine."  
  
Myrelle thinks for a moment. "Weeeeelllll... Okay."  
  
One of them--  
  
***  
  
Serena: Don't you know who?  
  
Luna: Yeah, but I'm not going to specify.  
  
Serena: Oh, okay.  
  
***  
  
--weaves a gateway, and they leave to find Moiraine and Lan.  
  
THE END of this story  
_________________________________________________________________________________________________  
  
Lunara: Umm.... that was... odd.  
  
Serena: Odd! That's the understatement of the Age!  
  
Mogie: Nynny got whacked with a stick and got her Warder taken away. I'm happy!  
  
Semmy: I'm happy, too! I was in the story and I get to torture someone!  
  
Luna: You get to torture someone? Who?  
  
Semmy: The readers that don't review, of course! ^_^  
  
Luna: *to the readers* My dear readers, let that be a warning to you. Review unless you want to be tortured, okie dokes? 


	6. Author's Thanks

I just want to thank the following people for reviewing!  
  
*~*~*~*  
  
White-wolf: (Reviewed twice) I'm glad you liked my stories!  
  
Zelin Danica Nynaeve Ni'karin: (Reviewed thrice... er, three times!) I'm also glad you liked my stories! And, just wondering, how did you come up with your penname?  
  
Amaranth Sedai: (Reviewed once) Of course Heartfang giggles. My bad! And I'm glad you liked my killing Rand!  
  
Questioner Mandee: (Reviewed twice) Of course you don't get it! Finish reading the Books (yes, the Books with a capital "B") and I think you'll like the stories. At least most people seem to like them... But thanks for the reviews, my friend!  
  
SteelBlade: (Flamed once) Wow! A flame! My very own flame! *huggles* You know that you made my day? You know, I consider getting a flames an honor since that means that people really read the stories. I like slapstick randomness, but if you read my other fic, "What Dreams May Come", you'll see that I appreciate stories with a serious plot as well. Anyhoodles, thankies for the flame!  
  
tuon: (Reviewed once) Thanks! And I agree that it's time for Rand to die.  
  
Eowyn: (Reviewed once) It was one of the weirdest things you've ever read? Wow! I'm touched. *tear* Thanks!  
  
Cytrink Dareth: (Reviewed once) Of course Rand has issues! He's the friggin' Dragon Reborn! And like I told Amaranth Sedai, I guess the Dark One can giggle. Thanks for reviewing!  
  
Pop Weasel: (Reviewed twice) Sorry about killing Rand! Well, actually, I'm not, but that's besides the point. Actually, I don't think I have a point, so I'll just say thanks for reviewing and your stories are great!  
  
Hitaka: (Reviewed once) Thanks!  
  
a reader who doesn't know better: (Reviewed twice) I'm glad you liked the stories! I don't know why I killed Egwene--she's okay in my book--but Elayne gets on my nerves.  
  
The Angry Scots: I am forced to disagree with you about Nynaeve being a... well, what you said. Nynaeve is one of my favorite WoT people. But thanks for reviewing anyway!  
  
The person who didn't give a name (you know, the person who reviewed after The Angry Scots): (Reviewed once) I'm glad you liked it!  
  
theImp: (Reviewed once) I'd also like to see Sightblinder giggle.  
  
yellow flying bunnie rabbit: (Reviewed once) The Wheel weaves as the Wheel wills. And the Wheel may will that the Creator gets yellow bunny slippers and that I write another good massacre. I'll try to keep the chapters coming so that you'll have something funny to read during class. ^_^   
  
Ravensong: (Reviewed once) Glad ya like the stories! And your wish for a Nynaeve fic has been granted in Chapter 4. She's one of my fave character, too! ^_^  
  
Squidjum: I'm glad you like my take on the Books. Would you believe that I began writing these at two o'clock in the morning? And your wish for a Lan & Nynaeve story has been granted in Chapter 4.  
  
Creator Smoogis: (Reviewed once) Glad you liked the stories!  
  
Seishi: (Reviewed once) I see you liked the "Bloody swirly colors" thing! Doesn't it make Rand, Mat, and Perrin sound like they're on LSD or something?  
  
Felicia D'nee: (Reviewed twice) Glad you liked the stories! And I love your little song about Rand! ^_^  
  
Minodrin: (Reviewed once) Well, thanks for the review. I hope you read the stories and liked them.  
  
Aaria: (Reviewed once) Glad you liked the stories! And I know there are more than thirty, and, in response to that, Chapter 4 is up!  
  
Dragonheart: (Reviewed once) Glad you liked the story! And I plan to write many more stories!  
  
Lord of Distraction: (Reviewed once) Oh, those people! Don't worry about me! A nail-studded baseball bat does wonders...  
  
Jianda Sedai: (Reviewed once) Thanks and thanks!  
  
Era: (Reviewed once) Thanks! And I love wotmania! I'm guessing you like it, too?  
  
*~*~*~*  
  
I just want to say thanks again! I'll probably post these every few chapters. So, please review my lovely stories after you read them, okie dokes?  
  
~ Luna 


	7. Bickering and Balefire

Here is another story. This time it's about the Chosen. *cough cough* I mean, the Forsaken. Okay, um, I going to go play with my Darkhound. Did I say Darkhound? I meant... um... Dog. Um, yeah, that's what I meant....   
  
Disclaimer: Yes, I know, I said that I wouldn't write anymore disclaimers, but I have to for this story. You know by now that I don't own anything from WoT (or I should hope you know). And all the things mentioned in this story that are from the Harry Potter books (the Acromantulas, the "sticks," the Quick-Quotes Quill, Hagrid, the "bushy-haired girl," and the "boy with the lightning bolt scar on his forehead") belong to J.K. Rowling. I think we're all set now.  
  
Okay, I done talking for now, so here's Chapter 5!  
_________________________________________________________________________________________________  
  
Chapter 5 - Bickering and Balefire  
written by She Who Walks the Night  
  
*~*~*~*  
  
In an unknown room inside an unknown building at an unknown location, Moridin and Cyndane are in the middle of arguing.  
  
"I haven't played checkers in Ages! I didn't know he was that stupid!" Moridin tries to defend himself against Cyndane's fury.  
  
"You haven't played checkers in three thousand years and you still beat him! You were supposed to kill him! You weren't supposed to play games with him!" Cyndane screams at him.  
  
"Moridin, Cyndane, shut up! I'm getting a headache!" Aran'gar complains, rubbing his/her/its temples delicately.  
  
Cyndane sneers at him/her/it. "Oh, shut up, Haliiiima!" She draws out the other Forsaken's pseudonym in a mocking, sing-songy voice, taunting him/her/it.  
  
"Don't call me that!" Aran'gar screams at her. "My name is Baltha-- erm, Aran'gar!" Yeah, so, he/she/it temporarily forgot about his/her/its new form.  
  
***  
  
A/N: What's with the "his/her/its" and the "he/she/it" things whenever I refer to Aran'gar? Well, um, personally, I believe that Aran'gar is the reincarnate of Balthamel. And, if this is true, Aran'gar is a guy stuck in a woman's body. So, would Aran'gar be a he, a she, or an it? I have no idea.  
  
Oh, and I think Osan'gar is/was Aginor. He's dead--AGAIN--so, yeah.  
  
I think that just about every WoT fan thinks that Moridin is Ishamael, Cyndane is Lanfear, Osan'gar is/was Aginor, and Aran'gar is Balthamel. Trying to decide who Demandred is diguised as, now that's a completely different story. I don't think HE even knows who he's charading around as.  
  
Okay, I'm getting off topic, so back to the story.  
  
***  
  
"Haaaaaaaaliiiiiiiiiiiiimaaaaaaaaaaa!" Cyndane repeats, even more drawn out and sing-songy.  
  
Aran'gar is getting just a teeny-tiny wee bit P.O.'d at Cyndane. Then he/she/it comes up with an idea. "Can I get an Acromantula in here?" he/she/it asks. He/she/it then pauses for a moment. "Oops, wrong story. Oh well, it's not like I care. Moghedian!" he/she/it calls out.  
  
Moghedian enters, carrying an Acromantula with flows of Air. "Do you know how hard it was getting this giant spider away from that Hagrid guy?" she complains. "And that boy with the lightning bolt scar on his forehead almost killed me, and the bushy-haired girl was as good with that stick as we are with the One Power!"  
  
Aran'gar yawns boredly and accepts the massive arachnid.  
  
Cyndane rolls her eyes. "Quit whining, Moghedian, and come here," she commands.  
  
Moghedian goes to where Cyndane is sitting. "Yes, Lanf--Cyndane?"  
  
Cyndane gives Moghedian a dangerous look, then says, "I want an Acromantula, too. And a Darkhound and a gholam."  
  
"WHAT?!" Moghedian screeches. She sighs. "Okay, be right back."  
  
Aran'gar pokes his/her/its Acromantula with flows of Fire, trying to anger. Rather stupid in my opinions, but what can I do? I just write this thing.  
  
The Acromantula clicks its fangs. "Quit that!"  
  
"Shut up!" Aran'gar snaps at it.  
  
"Make me!" the spider retorts.  
  
"Fine! I will!" Aran'gar throws a big fireball at the Acromantula.  
  
And, accordingly, the Acromantula explodes, throwing giant spider guts all over the place.  
  
So everyone gets giant spider guts all over them. "EWWWW!!!" everyone yells.  
  
"HA!" Cyndane laughs. "You killed the Acromantula! Now you can't use it to kill me! Ha ha!"  
  
Aran'gar says some really bad words in the Old Tongue.  
  
Moghedian returns, leading a Darkhound, another Acromantula, and a gholam. "Here!" she says to Cyndane. "That was the last errand I'm running to..." She looks around the room, taking in the spider guts all over everything and everyone. "..day," she finishes. A second later, she explodes, "What in the Pit of Doom is going on in here?!"  
  
Everyone swiftly uses saidar or saidin or the True Power, respectively, to wipe of the Acromantula guts. "Nothing!" they chorus.  
  
"And where is the Acromantula?" Moghedian asks.  
  
"Aran'gar blasted him with Fire!" Moridin says brightly.  
  
"Moridin!" Aran'gar yells at him. "Being partially insane doesn't mean you have to be stupid!"  
  
Cyndane laughs softly.  
  
Moghedian's tone is dangerous as she asks, "Is that true, Aran'gar?"  
  
Moridin realizes what he did. "Don't hurt her, Moghedian!" he warns.  
  
***  
  
A/N: *shrugs* I guess at least Moridin thinks Aran'gar is a she.  
  
***  
  
"Is someone soft on Aran'gar, Betrayer of Hope?" Moghedian taunts softly. She starts laughing evilly. "You know you don't hurt spiders around me."  
  
Aran'gar knows what's coming. "Uh-oh."  
  
And that was the last thing Aran'gar ever said as Moghedian blasts her with balefire. "That will avenge my poor Acromantula."  
  
"NOOOO!!! ARAN'GAR!!!" Moridin wails. He starts crying.  
  
Cyndane sneers at Moghedian. "It won't bring the Acromantula back, Moghedian."  
  
"So, Mierin?" Moghedian asks innocently.  
  
Cyndane screams in fury. "Don't ever call me that! I am the Daughter of the Night!"  
  
"No, you are Last Chance!" Moghedian retorts. "Hahaha!"  
  
"Grr...."  
  
Graendal enters. "Hi, everyone," she says cheerily. "What happened in here?"  
  
"Aran'gar destroyed an Acromantula, and Moghedian got mad and balefired her," Cyndane summarizes.  
  
"Oh, okay." Graendal sits down, drinking out of her favorite cuendillar goblet.  
  
"Ya know, I think I'll sic the gholam on you, Spider!" Cyndane says to Moghedian.  
  
"Uh, uh, uh, not so fast," Moghedian says as though she were talking to a four-year-old. "Gholam, you know what to do."  
  
The gholam nods and attacks Cyndane.  
  
Cyndane weaves a quick gateway, and the gholam ends up falling through it. The gateway closes behind it.  
  
"What the... How did you... WHAT?!" Moghedian says, oh so articulately.  
  
Cyndane laughs. "I dropped it out in the middle of the Aryth Ocean. It won't be bothering anyone else since I don't think gholam can swim."  
  
"Grr...."  
  
"If this keeps up, I'm leaving," Graendal declares. "Moridin, can I use the True Power?"  
  
"No."  
  
"And why not?"  
  
"Because I said so."  
  
"And why is that?"  
  
"Because I'm Naeblis. Ha!" Moridin boasts.  
  
Graendal says something bad in the Old Tongue.  
  
"Now that wasn't necessary!" Moridin scolds.  
  
"I know," Graendal says casually. Then she grins evilly. "And neither is this!" And what do know, she balefires him.  
  
"Yay!" Cyndane and Moghedian cheer in unison.  
  
"Why are you cheering?" Graendal asks them.  
  
"Because you balefired Moridin!" Cyndane says happily.  
  
"That means we're free! No more giving him foot massages!" Moghedian whoops.  
  
"No, it doesn't," Graendal says.  
  
"HUH?"  
  
"You see, Moridin wanted me to be his servant like you two, but I convinced him I would be useful otherwise. He decided to give me control of the cour'souvra if anything happened to him," she explains. "And..." She grins evilly.  
  
Cyndane and Moghedian's eyes widen in fear. Then the Dark One comes in. "What happened in here?" he asks.  
  
Graendal shrugs. "I came in here not that long ago. I sneaked into another world the other day and stole something called a Quick-Quotes Quill from an annoying woman who wrote news for people who did things with sticks almost like what we do with the Power, except they wave the sticks around and say funny words. They didn't know I planted it in here. It wrote down everything that happened."  
  
Heartfang goes to where the quill is writing on the parchment and starts reading.  
  
"Uh-oh," Moghedian says.  
  
"Oh no," Cyndane says.  
  
Leafblighter finishes reading, then starts giggling. "Now, that's funny! Graendal, you're the new Nae'blis."  
  
"Yay!" Graendal cheers.  
  
"I'm going to play tiddlywinks with the Creator," Sightblinder says, "so you girls play nice. Bye!" With that, he leaves.  
  
Graendal grins at Moghedian and Cyndane the way a cat would grin at a couple of mice.  
  
"She wouldn't, would she?" Moghedian asks.  
  
"She would," Cyndane answers.  
  
"Start running?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"Now?"  
  
"Now."  
  
Cyndane and Moghedian run from the room screaming. Graendal chases after them, throwing balefire at them and laughing demonically.  
  
The Darkhound and the Acromantula watch the fleeing women.  
  
"Dark, they're stupid," the Darkhound comments.  
  
The Acromantula clicks its fang thingies in agreement. "Yeah."  
  
"Let's go chase wolves!" the Darkhound suggests.  
  
"Okay!"  
  
The Darkhound and the Acromantula walk out a different door. The Acromantula falls straight down into the fiery lake and becomes a crispy critter.  
  
The Darkhound watches for a moment, head tilted to one side. "Oops, wrong door. Oh well."  
  
BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!  
  
The Darkhound pulls out a pager and looks at the message. "Yeah! We get to hunt down some Aes Sedai! Woo hoo!" This time it leaves through the right door.  
_________________________________________________________________________________________________  
  
That probably wasn't my best story, but oh well. I'll sic the Darkhound and the crispy Acromantula on you if you don't review. Tootles. 


	8. Author's Thanks 2

Hello, readers! I know it's been awhile. School is sucking my creative juices dry, so I just decided to take the time to post my second batch of Author's Thanks.  
  
*~*~*~*  
  
kekkie: (reviewed twice) Thanks for the tip! I know, I screwed up and posted the wrong thing, but I got it all fixed up. A bit late to say so, but yeah... I'll try to work on another massacre. Maybe I could kill someone with school cafeteria food. Hmm....  
  
Hi-Tech Tuathan: (reviewed once) Glad you liked the fics. Hmm... I don't know if Dore likes doggy biscuits. *glances at Dore, who nods* I guess she does. She accepts your offer of biscuits and won't attack. ^_^  
  
lulu: (reviewed once) Umm... Glad you liked it?  
  
Ilona1: (reviewed a whopping FIVE times!) Let's see... Thanks for all the reviews. Glad you liked the fic. Tuon is... odd, to be honest. I'm kinda indifferent when it comes to Moridin/Ishamael. I'm really glad you like my muses. It's a good thing you do, since Semirhage wouldn't be too happy if you didn't. However, I am disappointed that you don't like Nynaeve. Oh well, each to their own. And keep a tight rein on that psycho Mazrim Taim. I will add something new eventually... *pokes Mazrim with a sharp stick*  
  
Fireblade K'Chona: (reviewed twice) I'm glad you like it and I will try to add something new before this millenium is over. *glances at angry readers* Erm... before this year is over?  
  
Plaidly Lush: (reviewed once) You have my permission to use a long argument any time you like. And thanks for reviewing!  
  
Min Wolph: (reviewed once) I still don't know why I killed Egwene. I sort of feel sorry for her after reading Crossroads of Twilight. But I still dislike Elayne. Annoying little fluff-brained chit... I think Min is a bit odd, but she's okay. I know my stories are a bit odd, too, but I'm glad you liked them anyway!  
  
katya: (reviewed once) Thanks. Glad you liked it.  
  
tomato_greens: (reviewed twice) I just think Rand is really REALLY annoying. You can keep Rand locked in your basement as long as you like, but I demand that you return my author powers. :-P *blinks* Semirhage, heel! Don't torture the nice reviewer! Sorry, she gets out of hand sometimes...  
  
Jianda Sedai: (reviewed once) Wow, thanks! I still think I have a long way to be as good as Pop Weasel or Kyraille Fade, but still, thanks! Yeah, I guess Moridin is an idiot... and it would be pretty funny if someone fitted him with a cour'souvra and an a'dam... I'm really not sure why I made Graendal the new Nae'blis. *thinks about it for a moment* I guess it just makes sense since Cyndane is now consumed with her hatred of Rand, and Moghedian is a coward, and I balefired Moridin and Aran'gar, and I just have no idea who Demandred is disguised... Whoops, getting off topic. I don't know, torturing Aran'gar is just fun for some reason. She irritates me as Halima, but I guess I don't have a grudge or anything. And the he/she/it thing is designed to slightly irritate readers since I use it so many times. Anyway, thanks for reviewing.  
  
*~*~*~*  
  
Anyway, thank you again to everyone who reviewed. Remember that reviewing is the decent thing to do, so always review, even if it is a flame. Flames are often important tools for improvement. If you have any ideas for a new installment of "Stories," feel free to email me. You'll find my email address on my bio. Okay, I am done rambling for now, so remember to read and review. May you always find water and shade.  
  
~Luna 


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